I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
