saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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