I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
