he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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