I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
