he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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