Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
