It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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