Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
