The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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