very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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