I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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