Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Can you bring me the toilet please
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
How drunk are you?
Completed.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
