I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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