I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
