i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
