I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
