I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
