who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
