FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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