I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
tequila makes me forget i have legs
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize