No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
