oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
