who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
