This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
