Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
