Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
