It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Randomize
