I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Use "feeling words"
Yay
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
