Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
