It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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