if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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