And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
