i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
