When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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