I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
