Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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