We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
