sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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