Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
