Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize