so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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