He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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