but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
