Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize