then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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