Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
