You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
