Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
