If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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