I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
