Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
