did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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