If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
did i just pee glitter
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You left your phone here
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