umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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