is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
