There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
