i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
