im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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