Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize