If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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